Dear Santa:

I’ve been a good Mom all year.
I fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand,
Visited there doctor’s office more than the doctor did, sold sixty-two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
play ground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my child’s
scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping I could spread this list over several Christmas’s, since I
had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a
receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find
any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes
I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in
any colors except purple, black and blue I already have those) and arms
that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a
screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month
of my last pregnancy.
And if you are hauling big ticket items this year, I’d like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music,
a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking
animals, and a Refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper
where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side of things I could use a talking daughter doll
that says things like “yes mommy” to booster my parental confidence, along
with one potty trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three
pair of jeans that will zip up all the way without the assistance of power
tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting “don’t eat in
the living room” and “take your hands off your brother” because my voice
seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be
heard by dogs!
And please don’t forget the playdoh travel pack, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for moms of preschoolers, It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws
house seem just like mine.
If it’s too late to find any of those products, I’d settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb hair in the same morning, or the luxury
of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in
a Styrofoam container. If you don’t mind I could also use a few
Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will
clear my conscience immensely!
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the
house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family, or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking
downstairs to eat a contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight?
Well, Santa the buzzer is sounding on the dryer and son saw my feet
under the laundry room door, I think he wants his red crayon back.
Well, have a safe trip, remember to leave your wet boats out side my
the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire place so you don’t catch
a cold!
Help your self to the cookies and milk, but don’t eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet!
Yours always Mom
P. S One more thing, you can cancel all my requests if you can just
keep my children young enough to believe in Santa