I wrote this list on December 2, 2008 at 1:02 my time, you are still in Vegas, if you reading this it is either because I am gone, or because we have made it past this, and we are at juncture in our relationship where I need to know the hole truth to move on, I haven’t lied to you in a very long time, I am a better person because of you, but I am still the same person that cannot live thru another cheating relationship. You taught me self worth and I am with someone who doesn’t tell me the hole story then I am not better than I was when you met me I felt worthless. So answering these questions will not make me hate you, as I don’t think I ever could. They will just help me with whatever decision I am currently facing if we have made it past this or give me closure to walk away knowing the whole truth.

I am doing this at the advice of a professional I don’t know weather it is the best thing I could do or not, but I think she made some valid points.

If we have made it past this I don’t want this spinning in my head for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to question my self worth again, and I deserve to know. My past shouldn’t dictate the respect I deserve now. A relationship with out trust is doomed to failure but a relationship with out respect is doomed to hatred. And if we have to fail I really don’t want to hate you, I got a tattoo this past week and I put a lot of thought into it. I got purple paws over my heart, Not to show the world and not because they are cute or any thing like that, I got them so if the day comes when you are not in my life I will always have you at least close to my heart. I have you in my phone as my heart. And if anything in my life has ever been true that would be it. You have truly become my heart. In ways I never knew possible. I have felt things with you that I didn’t know where possible. Love, joy, happiness, security, self worth, pride, anger, a fight I didn’t know I had in me, and a passion to be someone better that I didn’t know existed. And those are things I don’t think I will ever feel with any one else. For what ever reason you are reading this be it the good or the bad I want to tell you this last thing before ending this, you always as me why do I love you and answering it has a been so hard as love is hard to explain in words. This experience pushed me to do so, so that I could leave this for you, either for you to find after I am gone or for me to give to you.

I love you because you complete me, what I am lacking you are, you are the strength to my weaknesses, the certainty to my confusion, the map when I am lost.

You have given me a desire to be a better person, you have pushed to accomplish things I never felt possible, you have made me fight for what I want for the things I love you have given me a fight in my heart that I didn’t know was there, you have taught me to cherish the things in life that are truly important and not to worry about the small things, to love with our fear, to have faith in people, to see the good in people ( to look for the good in people when all I can see is the bad), you have taught me to keep my family close as they are amazing (something I took for granite for far to long). Not to always put my self first, you have showed me what true self sacrifice is.

When I am in your arms I am safe my heart is not in fear of pain.

You have taught me to do the right the thing no matter what, to stand up for what is right no matter the out come, to tell the truth no matter the cost, to heal what you have hurt and to fix what you have broken. You have given me an appreciation for the small things in life; the things that fifty years from now will still make you smile or cry.

You have taught me that I don’t always have to have the last word, that is okay to be wrong, that saying your sorry or wrong isn’t the end of the world. To take advice from people who care about you. You have given me a appreciation for things in life that I would have never experienced if I hadn’t met you, you have showed me things that were simply beauty that I would have over looked, you make me appreciate every second I have with you. You’ve made me a better mother to Shelleby; you’ve given me the confidence to succeed, and the ability to learn from my failures when they happen.

And last but not lost, I love you because you have showed me what it means to love not in word but in deed. And that is what I treasure most.

A Side bar from that, I love your smile, and your sweet blue eyes, I love the way you put your hands on my waist when I’m doing the dishes. I love my head on your chest and your arms around me when I sleep. I love holding your hands and rubbing your back. I love the way mouth makes that stupid face when you are thinking hard about something. I love the way your eye brows curl up and make you look mean and then you smile. I love the way you fall asleep the wrong way on the bed when I scratch your back, or the way you con me in to one more minute. I know I haven’t been a good thing in your life but know that you have been a great thing in mine. You have given me hope, and a reason to go on when I didn’t want to.

Thank you for everything you have done in my life, and I am sorry for all the hate, pain and problems I have caused in yours, I wish I could make a list of all the positives I have caused for you, but the list would be too short to matter, but there would be one thing on there worth saying and that would be…

“I just love you”

But I can only clean around your mess, because its your house, not mine. I cant do your taxes because I am dishonest but I only used what the irs gave me. I only filled in the blanks with what I had in front of me.

I am told to be honest, and truthful. I am told to hold it all in and not to argue. I am told to get my morals straight. I am told to be a better mother and get my priorities in line.

But the truth is never believed,my past is all I will ever be. I am told to be smart, but only smart enough to be wrong, and to roll over and play dead when I am wrong, or even when I am write. Im told to get my morals straight, but have to sit back silently when you go on a vacation with another women.  Im told to be a better mother and get my priorities in line, but you ask me to go away with you when I am suppose to have her.

I am told to get a good job, to carry my weight, to not take advantage of your generosity.  Im told to pay back my loans and carry my own weight. Im told to do my fair share.

But its never enough, I have a job it makes a difference, but it doesnt pay for shit, you tell me making a difference counts for something..

Nothing seems to count for enough, I hurt all over all the time, my body hurts, my heart hurts and my soul is empty.I try harder than ever before in my life and doesnt count for shit. I cant get a head I cant even catch up. I just want it to be over, either go good or go bad but this hanging on by a thread is killing me, my heart has worn thin. Ive made the changes, Ive done the right thing, I havent gone back I havent even looked back. But it doesnt matter.

I want to be your heart as you are mine. But I dont want your heart to hurt the way mine does. I want you to hug me or hold me because you want to, not because I asked you too, I dont want to be a obligation I want to be a pleasure.

But maybe its not in me, maybe all I can cause is misery and hate, maybe I am Lineus, maybe he was right again.

I want so bad to prove him wrong to be exactly what he wants, to be what makes him happy to be the other half of his equation.  But mine answers are all wrong. Never right, always wrong. Hes always right, why wont he just predict the furture and either love me or hate me, why wont he do what he does best and just spit it out. Not let it fester not hate me more and more with every passing day, not resent me every time he sees me or hears my name. Why doesnt he just throw me out with the garbage that I am.

I try to rise to the top, but I just keep sinking, I dont think I am one of those people who can wade the waters alone, I think I would need someone there with me, to tell me I can make it to tell me that together we are strong and we can do this, but he doesnt want to wade the waters with me, he wants to see me sink or swim and I am so tired, I think I am going to loose this battle I think I am going to sink. I wish he would just wade beside me. I wish he would just give me a glimmer of hope. I wish I wish I wish..

Wishes are all I have left. I have lost all else. I have lost my daughters, and I have lost myself. I am a worthless person who cant even do a simple task like be a good mother or keep my man happy.  Thats pretty pathetic dont you think, well thats the descriptor he used any way..

Well I guess I have vented enough for the moment, not that any of it matters much. I just needed to clear my head and heart, they stay pretty cluttered here lately.. all I do is run around in circles trying to make everyone else happy.

We sit in a room…
So dark and small…
Waiting for …
A 911 call…

We listen to your voice…
And hear your pain…
We want to help….
Although at times it seems to be in vain…

Our job isn’t glamorous…
It isn’t for all…
We’re there to help…
When you make that call…

There’s crying…
And screaming….
And small voices in pain…
That breaks our hearts….
But in that there’s no shame….

To hear a small child…..
Scared because mom isn’t home….
Or the voice of an old woman….
Who’s husband just moans…..

We don’t ask for fanfare….
Or even a cheer…..
It’s enough to know….
That help is finally near…..

Our job is to help…..
To make you feel safe….
To make those long moments…
Go quickly as they came….

And at the end of the day……
When we can shut off our fears….
We get in our cars…..
And shed a few tears….

Because the next day we’ll be back….
In a room dark and small….
Waiting for….
A 911 call…..

A fallen hero
an angel in blue
strong and brave
his heart ever true

He vowed to protect
no matter the pain
men women and children
in sunshine and rain

His badge was more
than a shining pin
it was honesty, sacrifice
glowing from within

He gave of his time
his love and his life
adored his children
worshipped his wife

Never counting the cost
he never gave up hope
even when all seem lost
between guns and dope

his time on the streets
came to an end
now he was leading
the men from within

as chief of police
upon his officers impressed
the importance of
giving their best

his time in office
came to a close
now he and his bride
retirement chose

with kids grown and gone
they now had the time
to serve up tequila
with salt and lime

a gun blast rang out
his chest felt tight
he was fading fast
losing his fight

as his life slipped away
an angel appeared
“your time here is over
you’ve served many years

it’s time to come home
we here have need of you
you won’t be forgotten
you’re an angel in blue.

Those I saw came as troopers for our state,
and for a special little boy it was hard to wait,
Like wise men brought gifts to a child long ago,
these angels bore great gifts also.

For I witnessed these angels on mission,
they gave from their hearts with love and great vision.
So be kind to strangers and all that are due,
For your angel may also be dressed in blue.

Lord, Please bless this food before me,
Shimmering in speckled grease,
To be washed down with scalding coffee;
That’s powerful, to say the least.

My doctor said don’t eat it,
Because it’s bad for my stomach and  heart,
but the health food places all close
before the grueling night watch starts.

He says I’ll shorten my life span,
That I won’t get my three score and ten,
And it’s true cops average just fifty-eight
years to get all their living in.

But the job I do is important,
Standing between the savage and the weak, though I often wonder where we warriors will
go when you give the earth to the meek.

I love healthy food same as any
With loved ones at a real table,
But usually–what with my extra jobs–
I just really am not able.

So Lord, bless this food before me;
I’m thankful for what I’ve got.
And if it’s not too much trouble, God,
Just once, I’d like to eat it hot.

Just another man is what he had started out to be,
Then he took an oath to serve and protect you and me.

I wonder sometimes if they get more than they bargained for,
When the way for them is so narrow with so many closed doors.

How could they let a murderer back out on the street,
When he promised the family this arrest would keep.

All the times he pulled someone over for driving too fast,
Knowing that his job could easily make this day his last.

Watching a child cry as their last breath they take,
When he knows people will say it was his mistake.

Someone needs extra security overnight,
He would hate to think he wasn’t in sight.

So even after pulling a ten hour day,
He’s once again, gladly on his way.

Over night lookout jobs are not much fun,
But once again he sees the rising of the sun.

He could have chosen to go home to family and friends,
But when he said to serve and protect, he said until the end.

I TAKE A BREATH AS I SIT DOWN,
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MAKE THIS ROUND
SO MANY LIVES, I HOLD IN HAND,
SO MANY PEOPLE WITH DEMANDS.

MY FIRST CALL, A CHILD IS SCREAMING,
DADDY’S BEATING MOM AND SHE’S NOT BREATHING.
IT’S HARD TO DEAL WITH AND STAY CALM,
THE CHILD YELLS, “DAD’S GOT A GUN!”

I HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL AND SAY,
PLEASE SLOW DOWN THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY
AS I DISPATCH TO MY DEPUTIES,
“10-47, THERE IS WEAPONS”

TEN THOUSAND THINGS RUSH THROUGH MY HEAD,
GOD I PRAY SHE’S NOT DEAD.
STAY ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO ME,
AS I RISE TO MY FEET.

THE COPS ARE HERE THE CHILD IS SAYING,
STAY ON THE LINE AS I START PRAYING.
“BE ADVISED HE HAS A GUN,
AND HE ALSO HAS HIS SON.”

NOW I HAVE AN OPEN LINE,
JUST A DISPATCHER IN THE BLIND
“DISPATCH,” I HEARD HIM SAY,
“HIS NAME IS TEDDY AND HE’S OKAY.”

THEY CLEAR THE SCENE FROM THE CALL,
NOT ONE DEPUTY HAD TO FALL.
I TAKE A BREATH AS I SIT DOWN,
THANK YOU GOD, WE MADE THAT ROUND.

I‘M JUST A DISPATCHER, CAN’T YOU SEE
JUST A LIFELINE BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

A policeman was killed last night.
He died while protecting your rights.
His creed was to protect and serve.
This fate he didn’t deserve.

A mom and dad have lost a son.
So many other jobs he could’ve done.
His wife and kids are left alone.
Their daddy won’t be coming home.

His fellow officers are hurt so deep.
For a fallen brother they weep.
The morning paper will print a story.
About a policeman who died in glory.

The flags will fly at half mast.
Politicians and citizens will seem sad.
The funeral is tomorrow at noon.
It will all be over very soon.

By next week they will have forgot.
That a policeman was killed last night.

“A Kiss Good-bye”

A kiss good-bye and off you go,
If I’ll see you in the morning, I never really know?
You say its your duty to protect our fair town,
I see the love in your eyes, even though some people say you frown.

The badge you wear with such loyal pride,
And many a bad guy knows he’d better hide.
Your partner the dog is always close by.
“Take care of my husband Lord” I say with a sigh.

You drive around town as the night people come out.
And into violent situations where people yell, scream and shout.
You stop by the gas station as part of your nightly routine,
And have some gourmet coffee from a machine.

In snow, sleet, rain and all kinds of storm,
You keep your eyes open for anything out of the norm.
The words you live by are integrity, honor and trust.
People with no concept of their meaning you must bust.

So as I say my prayers before I go to sleep,
I thank God for such a wonderful man to keep.
Watch over him Lord, My hero in blue.
For there are few as noble, caring and true.