Never

How to be something when you dont know what you are suppose to be.. I am told to be susie home maker, and molly tax preparer. I am told to be silent, opinionless and have no emotion. I am told to try!

But I can only clean around your mess, because its your house, not mine. I cant do your taxes because I am dishonest but I only used what the irs gave me. I only filled in the blanks with what I had in front of me.

I am told to be honest, and truthful. I am told to hold it all in and not to argue. I am told to get my morals straight. I am told to be a better mother and get my priorities in line.

But the truth is never believed,my past is all I will ever be. I am told to be smart, but only smart enough to be wrong, and to roll over and play dead when I am wrong, or even when I am write. Im told to get my morals straight, but have to sit back silently when you go on a vacation with another women.  Im told to be a better mother and get my priorities in line, but you ask me to go away with you when I am suppose to have her.

I am told to get a good job, to carry my weight, to not take advantage of your generosity.  Im told to pay back my loans and carry my own weight. Im told to do my fair share.

But its never enough, I have a job it makes a difference, but it doesnt pay for shit, you tell me making a difference counts for something..

Nothing seems to count for enough, I hurt all over all the time, my body hurts, my heart hurts and my soul is empty.I try harder than ever before in my life and doesnt count for shit. I cant get a head I cant even catch up. I just want it to be over, either go good or go bad but this hanging on by a thread is killing me, my heart has worn thin. Ive made the changes, Ive done the right thing, I havent gone back I havent even looked back. But it doesnt matter.

I want to be your heart as you are mine. But I dont want your heart to hurt the way mine does. I want you to hug me or hold me because you want to, not because I asked you too, I dont want to be a obligation I want to be a pleasure.

But maybe its not in me, maybe all I can cause is misery and hate, maybe I am Lineus, maybe he was right again.

I want so bad to prove him wrong to be exactly what he wants, to be what makes him happy to be the other half of his equation.  But mine answers are all wrong. Never right, always wrong. Hes always right, why wont he just predict the furture and either love me or hate me, why wont he do what he does best and just spit it out. Not let it fester not hate me more and more with every passing day, not resent me every time he sees me or hears my name. Why doesnt he just throw me out with the garbage that I am.

I try to rise to the top, but I just keep sinking, I dont think I am one of those people who can wade the waters alone, I think I would need someone there with me, to tell me I can make it to tell me that together we are strong and we can do this, but he doesnt want to wade the waters with me, he wants to see me sink or swim and I am so tired, I think I am going to loose this battle I think I am going to sink. I wish he would just wade beside me. I wish he would just give me a glimmer of hope. I wish I wish I wish..

Wishes are all I have left. I have lost all else. I have lost my daughters, and I have lost myself. I am a worthless person who cant even do a simple task like be a good mother or keep my man happy.  Thats pretty pathetic dont you think, well thats the descriptor he used any way..

Well I guess I have vented enough for the moment, not that any of it matters much. I just needed to clear my head and heart, they stay pretty cluttered here lately.. all I do is run around in circles trying to make everyone else happy.